As I write this I still have guilt. I know I shouldn’t but I think saying the words and feeling like other mom’s or people in general will silently or loudly judge me creates the guilt mode. There is no reason for it, but maybe because things didn’t happen as I was told they would.
Let me start off my saying I love my children more than words. They are my (and my husbands) world, they have brought joy and laughter and tears, all in the most wonderful ways. I had given up on this wonderful image of being a mom and living this dream that I had longed for. Then in a whirlwind it all changed and here I am, a mom!!
Everyone said oh just wait till you meet your little one you are going to fall in love. The love you have for your new baby will overwhelm you when you see them and it is more than you have ever felt before. It will surpass the love you have for your husband and you will be amazed.
These are powerful words. I did not take them lightly, I was scared to think of having such a rush of emotion come over me. I love my husband so much that when I think of how much I start to cry. It is that powerful. So you can imagine the anticipation of preparing to have an even greater love come over me.
Our first (and second) was born by cesarean and I remember hearing those first little cries as the doctor announced to us her arrival. I looked at my hubby our eyes filling with tears as he said her name to me before we even set eyes on her. She was then laid on my chest and we just gazed at her. This tiny little bundle had arrived and I finally got to see the face I had been talking to for the last 9 months. I was so happy. The nurse took Miss and her Daddy off to bond while the doctors finished with me. I had a perma smile on my face and joy in my heart, it was amazing.
Back in the room, filled with nurses helping me and showing us how to swaddle, checking stats and whatever else, I was content and tired. Was I too tired to have felt that rush of emotion everyone told me of? Now back home a few days with baby, adjusting to our new routine. Where did I put the soother, what was the last feeding, when’s that rush of emotion coming? Just over a week went by, no rush, was I a bad mother? Did I not love her enough? Am I depressed, do I not feel? I talked to my doctor about postpartum, everything was good there. I know I love my baby, but I didn’t feel it overwhelm me.
I really had to assess this, I was in a panic. Then I figured it out, the rush of emotion came the moment I found out I was expecting. I was in a total cloud of the most exhilarating bliss imaginable. My husband and I just hugged each other and cried. Our overwhelming love came over both of us together as our hearts burst with happiness. That was our moment, we talked to baby and sang to baby for all those weeks prior. We loved so totally completely from the second we knew we were expecting, all we needed now was to meet this little one. Thinking back it was more a sigh of completion to finally get to see that little face. No that rush didn’t find me in the delivery room, it didn’t need to.I was already in love from the moment I knew I was carrying her, that was the same moment I became a mother.
This love I have for my children is beyond measure, it is so grand and yet so incredibly peaceful. This love though does not exceed the love I have for my husband. It is totally different than the love I have for him, yes.
But I didn’t have these littles on my own (insert talk about birds and bees here). They were created out of absolute pure love for each other. So how could I love him less than our babies?
He also made me a mom, and not because I pick up his socks off the floor…..
Did you have that overwhelming ah ha moment as a new parent? Did your love for your children wash over you and knock you down?